Childhood Trauma
Thanks for letting me share on here. Over the course of the last 3 years, I have found the courage to share my story. Very few people know what happened behind closed doors.
Mom
Let’s start with my mom. She was the product of teenage pregnancy, but my grandparents love each other very much. They have the fairy tale story I dreamed of all throughout my life; they met at 14, my grandpa offered to mow her lawn for some extra cash but fell in love the moment he saw her, following my mother’s birth and then my aunts, and THEN they got married. They had a rough life going into their 20s, and never really shared the true problems that progressed. We all know there was mental and physical abuse, but back then it was normal, it was “parenting”.
My mother was a party girl. She slept around, went to parties, and just overall was looking for a good time. She ran away several times, disappearing for days if not weeks at a time. Even running away to Florida, breaking into a mansion, where my grandpa drove down there and forced her to come home. When she was 17, she started a relationship with my father (23). She ended up pregnant, but wasn’t sure who the father was. She was open about the possibility that he wasn’t, but he stayed and got a paternity test when I was born, and truth be told he IS my biological father.
My Father
Now to my dad. My dad was raised in a Christian household, who are generational farmers. He went to a private Christian school for most of his education, until he reached high school. He then went to the public school in my hometown. (My parents and their siblings went to the same high school, only years apart, following most of my cousins and I) Although my dad won’t talk about it, I am aware of the severe “discipline” he went through along with his 4 siblings. As soon as he seemed capable, he started working on the family farm early in the morning, and late into the night after school. He was worked hard and even suffered a horrible leg injury when he got stuck in farming equipment. Some of his siblings and he got into drugs into high school, even selling some at school. I’m not sure what he did for the 4 years in between graduation and my birth, but I do know he had a girlfriend at one point. This woman had gotten pregnant and had aborted it, but only told him after she did it. He had a lot of emotional trauma after that happened which led him to be very protective of me.
Me
After my birth, my parents tried to make things work, rented a house, and made somewhat of a home for us. They didn’t last very long, and less than 2 years after I was born, they separated. My mother married my first step-father when I was 4 and had a beautiful wedding at her parents house. I can still remember running around in a cute white mini-weeding dress that matched my step-sisters. We moved into the trailer next to my grandparents and lived there “happily” until my sister and I were 9. What I wasn’t aware of was that my mom and stepdad had an open marriage, which led to my stepdad getting something that he passed to my mom, leading to 3 miscarriages. We heard the fighting but often ignored it as it seemed normal. They divorced and my mom went into a downward spiral. I don’t know how many men she had over, but it seemed like she needed a man to be able to function.
I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad throughout those years, which I later learned the truth about. After the divorce, I and my step-sister started spending more time at my dad’s. He owned a cute flower shop in town and tried to make me as happy as possible, and keep the truth from me.
My mom had started going out, partying, and then one night, everything came crashing down. Her friend (S) needed a ride home, but they both had been drinking. S had her two kids with her, and they were left in the backseat unbuckled. They were pulled over and my mom was charged with child endangerment. My dad wouldn’t tell me what the charges were, but I remember he told me that she had been sent to jail. I refused to see her at first, but when I did it was brutal. She would cry and tell me how sorry she was. She said she would do her best to come back to me and my sister. Although she was divorced, she made sure to always remind me that I still had my sister, and I hold that to heart still to this day and will take it to my grave.
When she got out of jail, she left her previous boyfriend and then met my 2nd stepdad. She seemed so in love and happy, so I never questioned it. He was always good to me and even introduced me to my new stepsister and brother. Until they moved into a new apartment. My mom became lazier, couldn’t keep a job, and rarely made enough time to really be with me. I found out that my stepdad was an addict, and he made my mom one.
My dad did what he could, although he was never truly aware of how bad things got. He gave me presents, showered me with attention, and I almost completely lived with him. I only saw my mom on the weekends, or occasional weekdays when my dad could pick me up before school. I never told him anything.
My dad married my stepmom when I was in middle school after she got pregnant with my brother. She already had a boy my age and a little girl 4 years younger. I didn’t like them very much, except for my new little brother. My mom tried to convince me that they weren’t really my family, that only she was.
That’s when I started noticing that separation. My dad was trying to create a whole family, to give me a mom who was there, who didn’t disappear, but my mom only wanted me to look at her. When I was with my mom, I often went for walks and spent most of my weekends at the local library, and only ever spent morning or nights at her place.
My dad gave me a tablet when I was in middle school and I found some apps where I could meet people online. I didn’t understand why, but I started seeking the attention of older men, and became dependent on the attention. My mom only wanted drugs, and my presence. When she found out about what I was doing, all she did was tell me it was wrong, and that if my dad found out, my life would be over.
She never stopped me. One time, my stepdad crossed the line and I took my stepsister under a table and tried to call my grandma to come and pick us up. My mom grabbed me, pulled me out, and yelled in my face that if I ever did that again, she would tell my dad everything. That’s when I started finding excuses to not come over. I started going to my grandmas and looking for reasons for her to come and see me there.
My stepdad stole her care and left. He got involved in some heavy drugs again and was in a high-speed chase. He went to prison and my mom started the process to try and divorce him. I became very distant from her and started focusing more on my life with my dad and the family I had there. I eventually got a baby sister who I adored more than anything. Everything I did in life revolved around, school, sports, and my little siblings.
Later in high school, my mom finally divorced my stepdad and started living with her parents again, and after a year or so, met her 3rd husband. She finally stopped drinking and doing drugs. And this last Halloween, she married him.
Throughout all of this, I had severe anxiety. I didn’t want to lose my mom, cause she’s my mom. I always thought of the happiness we had and it often overshadowed the pain I was going through. I became antisocial and never went out. My only friends were the ones at school, and they never knew anything I went through. The only person who knew was my first stepsister, who understood everything because she was there with me throughout most of it.
My dad often let me take the burden of being a third parent to my siblings. I cooked dinner 4-5 days out of the week, changed diapers, and played with the kids. The only time I did anything for myself was out for sporting events, school functions, stopping at the library on my way home, but I almost never went out with friends.
I got more freedom going into my senior year. I went on a couple of dates, went to the movies with a close friend of mine, but never truly created a social life. After I turned 18, my dad was more open and honest with me, and I was with him. He learned about my depression and anxiety, and a few of the experiences I had with my mom, although I still haven’t shared everything.
I was originally gonna go into the Navy, but I suffered an injury during a basketball game that required surgery. Due to the surgery, I had to give up that dream of enrolling. I went to college that following fall instead and became entrapped in college life. I became a s*x addict, my body count going from 3 to over 20. I still don’t remember most of the men I was with, but very few made me feel good about myself. I met someone the spring of my freshman year, right before the lock down hit. He made me feel something again. He was in college and lived at home, but I often spent nights with him playing video games, bowling, and hanging out with his friends. He later left to join the Army, and I learned that I didn’t know how to live without a partner, or having a man around. I had to re-evaluate myself and my life.
I learned to be friends with him and we are still good friends now. In the spring of 2021, I met my now-boyfriend V. He brought me out of my depression and helped me see the person I truly am. I’m still recovering from the emotional trauma of my childhood, and I’ve told him everything. For the first time, I opened myself up in a way I never knew was possible. He saw every scar, every imperfection, and didn’t turn away. He saw all my mistakes, mistakes I was made to believe would ruin my life, gave me unconditional love, and is still helping me heal. I hope one day we can create a family of our own but not for a while, also maybe giving my cat a new friend.
This is my story. Thanks for letting me share. I hope someone can find it useful.
– Ms May
“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”
―
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